How Do I Fight Someone with a Monty Python Quote?

Seriously, that's the question I'm asking.

Here's what happened: I'm at the Mega Man Crosswars RP forum, goofing off in their out of character section. I'm Roll. I think everyone believes I'm a girl, but I'm not sure so I remain neutral on that point. That's kinda beside the point of this post, but that's a bit of FYI. Anyway, since Blues/Protoman is Roll's older brother, me and the guy playing him get into a bit of a sibling rivarly. You know how it goes...

I steal one of his sandwiches, he steals my hair ribbon.

I steal his pants, he threatens to tell on me and shave my head.

I threaten to tell on him about the time he (actual quote, by me) "borrowed" that "thing" and "donated it to charity" as an "anonymous gift."

He tells me he sold all my stuff and that I don't have a bed anymore.

I decide to kill him.

That brings us to this page, where Protoman decides to defend himself. Now, maybe I misinterpreted the intent of his post, but he appears to be attacking me with a Monty Python quote. Specifically, "Ni," from the infamous "Knights who say 'Ni'" scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hankou's post further suggested that interpretation. Perhaps it was the fact that it was almost midnight, perhaps it was the fact that my attention was divided between that and Adventure Quest's Suggestions Board, but I was completely baffled by this and didn't know how to respond. I think what immediately came to mind was "It's only a flesh wound," from a different scene in the same movie, but I felt it was too early in the fight to admit to being wounded. Thus, I go with the second, maybe third, thing to come to mind, the Lumberjack Song. About this time, Protoman sees it fit to start an instant message conversation with me, apparently just to get all up in my grill. It goes something like this:

(AIM SN's changed because I can't remember them)
Protoman: That's right, I went there.
Protoman: How does that fit ya, fancy pants?
Me: I'm not really the biggest fan of Monty Python, but I'm retalliating anyway.
Me: I'm a fan, to be sure, just not a very big one.
Protoman: ...

Maybe fan wasn't the word to use. What I meant to convey was that I didn't have every single line engraved in my cerebellum and ranked by attack strength. I knew I was pretty much fighting a battle of wits unarmed at this point, so I decided to secretly use a life line. I instant messaged a friend, explained the situation, and asked for Monty Python quotes. He suggested the insults the French used in Holy Grail.

In retrospect, I realize there were probably better lines to retalliate with, but none of them came to mind at the time. I don't know how effective these bits would've been, but I probably could have used the Holy Hand Grenade, the Flesh Eating Rabbit, or, my personal favorite, the Beast of ARRRRRRRRRRGH!!! Unfortunately, I was in a bit of a panic since I was now involved in more than a casual conversation, posts seemed to be appear with more frequency than they had a moment before, and I lacked the sense to stop reading the Suggestions Board while a lot of this was going on.

The Lumberjack Song, meanwhile, apparently goes over like a lead balloon, as Hankou claims Protoman had laid the smackdown on me when he countered with a herring. I flounder (no pun intended), not entirely certain this was a Python reference, so I respond with Dead Parrot. Then Protoman hits me with a can of Spam.

My AIM buddy comes finally coughs up a French insult, specifically, "I... FART in your gen'ral direction! Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt... of elderberries!" Protoman replies my slapping me, saying that I insulted my own parents as well (I'm playing his sister, remember?). This apparently disrupted the rhythm of the battle as he has stopped using Monty Python, but I continue with another French insult.

This prompts Protoman to hit me with Rolling Cutter, switching the battle to Robot Master weapons. I counter with Flying Saucers, a Robot Master weapon of my own design, and he follows up with Flame Sword and Giga Crush Death. I don't recognize either attack, since I haven't played Mega Man 8 yet or any game outside "Classic" continuity except Battle Network 4, so, tired and hungry, I let myself get crushed.

He gloats and tells me to make him a sandwich. I tell him I can't like a sexist remark like that go unanswered, and retaliate by crushing myself with a space ship. That was sort of hari kari, as I had felt embarrassed at getting served like that. At least, I think I was served. I was going to hit him with that spaceship, but I didn't feel like prolonging the fight.

This stuck in my mind far longer than I think it should have. When I made the decision to write this post, I thought it ought to write it with bitterness and rage and top it off with a "Damn right, I'm taking this too seriously! But don't you tell me how I should feel about it! I lost face in front of these people, and I don't know how to get them to respect me!" But, now that I've had lunch and reread some of those posts, I don't think anyone cared nearly as much as I did what happened. I jusst felt stupid and slow-witted for not having thought up adequate Python quotes, although the ones I used were probably just fine. I put too much pressure on myself and was too concerned about making an entertaining tete-a-tete, or however that's spelled. Granted, Hankou's commentation didn't sound like I was putting up a good fight, but it's not like I was dancing like I was having an epileptic seizure out there. Hankou's posts only came after Protoman's and didn't mention me doing anything, so I imagine that if she posted after I did it would look like I got a good hit or two in as well.

Que sera, sera. What happens, happens. You just gotta have fun with it.


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That Soulless Bastard. He Took Over My Dead Cat

When I decided to blog this, I wasn't sure I could stop crying long enough to actually type this, but my computer took so long to boot up I think I might be able to handle it now.

Minutes ago I woke up from what I now consider the worst dream I ever had. The bulk of it wasn't even any stranger than how my dreams normally go. It was the end that got to me, even after I woke up.

Only this last scene is relevant. There was this bad guy, I don't know who he was, but he had managed to upload his mind into the computer system of a futuristic house. We managed to get him out of the system and into a throw pillow, from which he telepathically threatened and demanded of us. I wrapped him up and had taken out back to be destroyed. But it wasn't until after this had been done that we figured it was a bad idea, because now he could be in anything, the computers again, a toothbrush, someone else... anywhere.

Then the water aliens showed up because he had been misusing their technology. I had to break the news to them and we started brainstorming on how to figure out where he was when I saw him, or rather her. My cat, Fluff, who had died last year and was apparently buried in the backyard (for purposes of the dream. She was, in fact, cremated) was trotting through the house as if it were no big deal.

That soulless bastard. He took over my dead cat.

I was all "Oh, no you didn't!" and we leapt into action. One of the aliens caught her and I was talking smack to her. "You're in trouble now, young lady. Or should I say old lady?" Although, while I was talking smack, she looked like my grandmother's grey cat (who is probably also dead by now) with a suitably comically horrified look on its face. Anyway, it was Fluff again when he was throwing a fit, clawing and screeching and telepathically cursing and all that. The alien had me hold her as we took her outside to their car. Meanwhile, the screeching had taken on the quality of the sound that accompanies a test pattern and my ears were ringing when I woke up.

The aliens had a dolly set up outside, but it was designed to restrain a human so the aliens had to dig around in their trunk for the cat carrier. Meanwhile, this guy, I guess he was the groundskeeper 'cause he looked kinda like Scruffy from Futurama, came out from around the house with some equipment and started putting it in the car. I didn't know if he knew about Fluff or not, so I tried to hide her from him while trying to hold her tightly so she wouldn't escape. Her body was in pretty good condition (she had died in her sleep), although the hair around her mouth was matted down and gunky like when she got sick, so anyone could've assumed she was still alive at first glance. I was still holding her as I was waking up, and was even a little reluctant to let go of her after I realized she wasn't in bed with me.

I kinda choked up just thinking about writing up that last sentence. Thinking about writing the next paragraph is making my eyes water.

I kinda lay there for a while, thinking about Fluff. When my brother had found her, she was laying under a bush near our house. She had been staying outside because the fleas were too much for her to handle. My brother, trying not to cry and trying not to laugh because he was failing to, said she looked like she was asleep. I couldn't bear to look at her, even when he and my dad put her into a box. We took her to the vet to have her cremated. She was put on a table in a room just off the waiting room so we could say our last goodbyes. I didn't even want to look into the room, but my brother assured me we were supposed to be in there (I looked like I was being a look-out) and urged me to look at Fluff. Aside from the lack of breathing and other movement, she looked like she was only sleeping and would wake up at any moment. My brother had made sure she wasn't dirty and there were no bugs on her. I had many cats die on me, one even had what I think were death throes as I held his box to my lap on the way to the vet, but this was the only one I recall having seen the body of. I realized that I didn't want to look at her because I knew I was going to cry, and that's exactly what happened. I'm practically crying right now just thinking about it.

Even as I relived that horrible moment and thought of how the dream could be incorporated into a story, one sentence repeated intermittently in my mind:

"That soulless bastard took over my dead cat."



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