Vocational Anxiety
My dad showed me an article in the newspaper yesterday and suggested I read it. The article was about how there were thousands of job openings in Silicon Valley. The article went on to say that the numbers were deceptive because there were still a significant amount of worthy applicants being turned down, and this was all skilled workers.
I'm not sure what my dad's intentions were in handing me the article, but I've no doubt they were noble. Unfortunately, I felt an uncomfortable amount of anxiety reading the article and didn't get through the whole thing. The first stressor was the very idea of working in an office, but not so much the actual work as the environment. Pictures and captions in the article mentioned the benefits being offered, including expresso bars and rec rooms. In many office-related shows, mainly sitcoms, co-workers are shown as a close-knit group of friends. So why am I stressing? I dunno. I just see myself silently slinking in, trying not to get noticed, while everyone else is enjoying themselves all around me. It would seem to me that the idea of going somewhere and not being part of the crowd... frightens me, like I'd slowly die of some suffocating disease. But I can't socialize because I don't know how. Then the idea occurs that I don't know how to do the kind of work I suspect I'll be asked to do, and that bothers me even more. I can't work, and I can't play, and my life becomes a choking miasma that threatens to rip my heart in half.
Then there's the idea that I might not even get the job. For some reason, compared to actually getting this job, this is an unfathomable horror. I can't even picture what rejection will do to me. In the end, my life is no different than what it is now, living at home with no job and no skills that I'm aware of. Granted, that's not so bad, even comforting, but it's only transitory. At some point, what is supposed to be a mere safety net in this point in my life is going to dissolve and I'm going to fall into the bottomless cavern of personal responsibility. With no means of supporting myself, I'll wind up living under an overpass and eating out of a dumpster. It's not what I want at all, yet I can't bring myself to face the terror of corporate or social life.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I need help, clearly, but I'm too afraid to ask. I'm not even sure what the right questions are. What do I do? Someone, please tell me what I'm supposed to do!
Perhaps I should try to find something a little more positive about this. Judging by the article, people with far better skills than me are being turned down for this cherry positions. All that means is that I'm in good company. These people aren't giving up and they aren't dying. This sort of thing happens to all sorts of people, and it doesn't inflict any sort of greivous injury upon them. They simply do the only thing they can do: Move on.
I need to move on, yet I just don't know how. One of these days, I'm going to have to learn to pull myself out of the quicksand. I just wish someone would help me. And I may need help overcoming myself.
I'm not sure what my dad's intentions were in handing me the article, but I've no doubt they were noble. Unfortunately, I felt an uncomfortable amount of anxiety reading the article and didn't get through the whole thing. The first stressor was the very idea of working in an office, but not so much the actual work as the environment. Pictures and captions in the article mentioned the benefits being offered, including expresso bars and rec rooms. In many office-related shows, mainly sitcoms, co-workers are shown as a close-knit group of friends. So why am I stressing? I dunno. I just see myself silently slinking in, trying not to get noticed, while everyone else is enjoying themselves all around me. It would seem to me that the idea of going somewhere and not being part of the crowd... frightens me, like I'd slowly die of some suffocating disease. But I can't socialize because I don't know how. Then the idea occurs that I don't know how to do the kind of work I suspect I'll be asked to do, and that bothers me even more. I can't work, and I can't play, and my life becomes a choking miasma that threatens to rip my heart in half.
Then there's the idea that I might not even get the job. For some reason, compared to actually getting this job, this is an unfathomable horror. I can't even picture what rejection will do to me. In the end, my life is no different than what it is now, living at home with no job and no skills that I'm aware of. Granted, that's not so bad, even comforting, but it's only transitory. At some point, what is supposed to be a mere safety net in this point in my life is going to dissolve and I'm going to fall into the bottomless cavern of personal responsibility. With no means of supporting myself, I'll wind up living under an overpass and eating out of a dumpster. It's not what I want at all, yet I can't bring myself to face the terror of corporate or social life.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I need help, clearly, but I'm too afraid to ask. I'm not even sure what the right questions are. What do I do? Someone, please tell me what I'm supposed to do!
Perhaps I should try to find something a little more positive about this. Judging by the article, people with far better skills than me are being turned down for this cherry positions. All that means is that I'm in good company. These people aren't giving up and they aren't dying. This sort of thing happens to all sorts of people, and it doesn't inflict any sort of greivous injury upon them. They simply do the only thing they can do: Move on.
I need to move on, yet I just don't know how. One of these days, I'm going to have to learn to pull myself out of the quicksand. I just wish someone would help me. And I may need help overcoming myself.
posted by Nicholas DeVivo at 12:21 PM
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